Insights and Inspiration: The High Road Is the One with the View

Sheila (not her real name) gave me the “hairy eyeball” one Sunday at church. You know the look—the scowl with the eyebrows touching. I was in my early twenties, a young mom, happy as a lark, and excited about my life—except on that Sunday, when I could see Sheila from my peripheral vision, glaring at me a few pews away. She was probably scowling at somebody else, I figured, as I really didn’t know her. The following Sunday, though, the scowl was unmistakable: it was definitely aimed in my direction. I chalked it up to Sheila having a bad day. But as the weeks wore on, Shelia’s snares and glares expanded into whispered gossip, or sighs uttered just loud enough for me to overhear.

What would you have done if you were me? Ignore Sheila completely? Start a hairy eyeball campaign of your own? I chose to apply the three rules I’ve learned to dealing with miscommunication, offenses, and “hurts.” (I didn’t know there were three rules at the time, but after years of working with people, they’ve definitely emerged as rules!)

For me, the choice was easy and it starts with the first rule: If you have offended someone, go to that person and ask two simple questions, “Have I done something to offend you? And if I have, what can I do to make it right?” Or if you have been offended, go to that person and let them know what they have done and how it has affected you. Either way you are in control of your own situation. I have found that confronting the situation in a loving way astonishes most people, but it can also work wonders. In Sheila’s case, she stammered out a response, working hard not to meet my eyes, then she admitted, “You’re just SO bubbly and happy all the time. Happy, happy, happy! And it bothers me. I’m just NOT that way.”

Wait a second. Sheila didn’t like me because I was too happy? This is where the second rule of learning to deal with “hurts” comes into play: Come to peace with the fact that you won’t be able to make everyone like you. After you’ve been as fair, open, and honest as possible, and given people an opportunity to air a difference, sometimes they’ll still choose to hold a grudge. But make that their choice, not yours!

And finally, rule three—this one’s the trickiest to implement, but the simplest to grasp (and we all know it): if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. It’s true! Though I’m not perfect, I’ve learned over 25 years of working with thousands of people that taking the high road delivers the most beautiful view. It’s often the most challenging hike to take, but the high road means forgoing gossip or speculation, or tossing barbs even when you feel completely justified. The view you’ll be rewarded with for your discretion is one of peace, strength, and true friendships based on trust.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these three rules lately and how well they’ve served me over the years. I don’t know where Sheila is today, but I’m glad I asked her if I had offended her because she felt heard and even though we didn’t become best friends, and I‘m at peace—even if she chose to dislike me. And I’m grateful I sealed my lips when tempted to toss off a hurt of my own. Taking the low road is easy, but taking the high road is right; I’ve faced it again and again over the years when I’ve seen pettiness, competition, or insecurity. I wish you the same as you work with the three rules: forgive, forget, and enjoy the view!